Give

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I have a lot in my mind, in my hands, and on my shoulders. I try to carry these tasks at the best of my abilities but sometimes, life just hits me hard. REALITY STRIKES. (not its good side)

These moments are when I observe and see something that I am not happy with. Not because it’s not everything is not happening the way I want it to be but rather things are just becoming so dry. I see people with no emotions and feelings and just.. numb from anything. It may be because they are tired, frustrated, and thus, just gave up their own pursuit of being who they have always wanted to be. On the other hand, there are those people who, after experiencing pain and suffering, just ignored that there is such thing as love and care in the world. Independence has arrived and taken over his/her life.. without knowing its limitations.

Where is the love in this world?
What is humanity now?

I have my own dreams and actually, I will be chasing one of them tomorrow but after encountering some of the worldly problems I don’t really want to mention because it’s not worth ranting about.. I am just so distracted with why these things happen in this life? I believe that I am one of the happiest people on earth whose innocence is trying to overcome all the challenges this life has given me. I am trying.. I am trying to be who I am and giving back to the community even if sometimes I just feel alone.

Every time I lend a helping hand, I feel fulfilled and full of worth. I guess, I just do not want people to experience what I felt. To let them know that they are not alone.

Okay, I’m giving and giving. I like it. I love making people happy.. that’s just who I am but you know, sometimes I just want to experience the same thing as well. To have someone say constantly that they believe in me. For now, I’ll thrive with the smiles I receive. It’s worth the wait.

Let go and move on

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Better write a blog post before classes start again, right? I have always thought that blogging my thoughts and opinions is better than keeping it all to myself or writing them all down in my journal. Well, there are some extent to it, I guess? I’m still understanding vulnerability and its limitation (if there are any) so the topics that I’ve been sharing are more of what bothers me or keeps me awake at night rather than the things that makes me tear up. However, I’m just really happy that blogs were invented because it helps those who have a hard time in expressing themselves out to the world from being a mere observer to an excellent thinker. <- that is a really good idea to bring up for my future post, I’ll definitely share how being a wallflower is more than an advantage than being seen as a ‘quiet’ or ‘shy’ person.

As I said, it won’t be too long before I go back to school again. Actually, my summer classes starts tomorrow!! Last weekend was great, that’s not doubt. Perfect ending for my one week break -_- (ONE WEEK.) I expected too much. My Sunday ended with a bittersweet talk with my mom. Honestly, I somewhat expected for it to come anytime soon. Recently, I have observed how I changed in how I talk and act in front of them. It started when she came into my room asking, “Can I talk to you about something?” I was annoyed at first because I know how she will bring up my wrongdoings. And she did but there was a twist to that night. At first, we were arguing as if there was nothing right in the way we saw each other’s actions. It was crazy because I was never that open to my mom before. I felt guilty. However, as the conversation progressed, our mood changed. Instead of tackling the “What” of the situation, we went to the “Why”, which was a tougher question to answer.

It took some time when I came to a familiar answer.

My Past.

I will not elaborate because it’s a really really long story but a short summary states how my confidence was never brought back after an incident that completely changed my life 360 degrees from being a jolly kid to a meticulous observer. I had no regrets, I did learn something. You cannot please everyone. I learned that.. in a way that ruined how I perceived my environment. Trust issues came about, self-consciousness rose to being too shy, my sensitivity later became a weakness. Before that incident, I knew that my concern towards the people around me gave an advantage towards how they appreciated my kindness and how I loved the feeling of helping out other people even if it meant that I should put my interests as a second choice. It was nothing that kept me from seeing the beauty of everyone whom I met. That was not the case in that scenario because they saw my kindness as a threat and my innocence as a humor.

My self-confidence was shattered ever since that day. I never trusted anyone or myself. It was hard.. I am glad that my parents introduced me to swimming the following year, which as I have mentioned in my previous blogs changed my life back to happiness again. It was nothing permanent though because well, it’s quite typical that the negative things stick longer to our minds/hearts than the positive ones because it the sting is still there. Also considering how I stopped swimming training for this school year because I’m just new in this country.

My mom and I discussed the possible solution to building up my confidence and her say was “ALWAYS COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS.” Now, that’s something that I have done before. When I was a kid, I was told to have a notebook where I will list the things that I am thankful for everyday. It was surreal at first but I did see the effect on it.. unfortunately, I stopped and forgot about it. But now, I remember! 🙂 Another solution that was brought up was that the only way you can get over it is to accept that it has already happened. Now it’s not that easy because my mom continued with an idea that acceptance only happens when you yourself is capable of going back to what had happened without feeling the pain it gave to you. How can that be possible if it was really that bad? Well, good news “Anything is possible as long as you put your heart in it and have the will to do it.”

This will be a big challenge but I am willing to try. Actually, this school year, I have been quite involved in University just to be able to adjust to the new environment and to go beyond my comfort zone. I am happy with my performance and well, I need more drive to be better. 🙂 To finish off, I just want to thank you for reading my post and being open to what I have got to say. Just remember that you are never alone in your problems and that..

“We are products of our past, but that does not mean that we have to be prisoners of it.” – Purpose Driven

Have a great summer, WordPressers!

P.S. I LOVE MY MOM. It’s almost mother’s day. Don’t forget to show your love to your mommy-es/moms/mamas! They did in fact, risked their life when they gave birth to you. 🙂